Testimonial by Nicholas:

Hello,
When i was young i believed i was garbage, a trouble maker, bound for nothing but failure. As I grew up, the things I got myself into backed these unwholesome beliefs. I am a felon in 3 states, been stabbed, curb stomped, beaten, been an alcoholic since i was just a kid, been on probation or parole since i was 11. I was a sponsored snowboarder, a construction worker, worked in kitchens, and at ski resorts in multiple states. And everywhere I went, everything I did, I believed I would fail, that it would all come to nothing in the end and I was a waste of time and space. I tried to run from my pain, I tried to drown it. I forced my pain on others hoping that hurting them would ease my pain. While I was in San Quentin, I wrote a song for the first time in my life. I have had practice singing, and making songs up on the spot. But i didn’t believe anything i did that was good, i could do again. So I put it in my head that if I wrote a song, if I expressed myself and tried to do it again, not only would I fail, but I would do it so badly nobody, not even myself, would be able to stand listening to it. After I wrote and performed that first song in the “Finding Your Voice” music program, I was encouraged by not just the volunteers at Finding your voice, but by the men I was doing time with. I was not only given confidence to continue writing music and performing it in my own style and manner, but I was shown the power my words and story could have on others.The “Finding Your Voice” program gave me a chance to give back, to help others heal, to help show parts of the soul of not only the men with me in prison, but our victims, our loved ones, our world. And still I almost gave up while I was in the program. I had a really stressful future ahead of me with a possible sentence in prison in a different state. I came to the group one day, turned in my borrowed ukulele and told everybody I was done. I was done because something good was happening in my life, something I was getting positive feedback for: and i didnt believe it. I thought I was going to fail and screw it up somehow. So, I decided to self sabotage and quit before I could get hurt. Essence convinced me not to give up, to continue to do something I enjoyed for myself and to believe in myself. The other men in the program, the men who were cast in cells because their hearts were so dark and they were such bad men, supported me, encouraged me, told me how they believed in me and pushed me on with kindness and compassion. I kept going. As a matter of fact I continued writing and made enough songs to create an album. I performed my own show before I got out of prison. And if you could have seen it, grown men, men in for murder, for robbery, for being incapable of connecting with humanity: those same men were shedding tears, they were being vulnerable and letting their walls down. All because I found my voice. This program helps men who feel forgotten, like there is no hope left for them, like no one cares, like they are incapable of change. It helps them open that space within them that they have closed so tight, kept in the dark, and hidden from all forms of life. It allows them to heal. And the truth is: hurt people hurt people, but healed people heal. I am grateful for Essence and her program, for the bonds it helped me form with the other men inside, and for the gift of helping me find my voice. I highly recommend anyone and everyone to take a chance and participate in this program, so they too, can find their voice.

with respect and gratitude
Nicholas